did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
