For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
