I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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