totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
