I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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