Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
