Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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