You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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