This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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