Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Brb crying the tears of my youth
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
