wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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