you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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