I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
