Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
