I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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