my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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