God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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