This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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