non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
