I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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