I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
