I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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