He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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