Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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