just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
