I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
