dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We left the knife in your bed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
