I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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