I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
