drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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