Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
