No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
