Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
