When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
