Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
