hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
