My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
