when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
