Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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