dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize