I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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