life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
