'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize