I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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