i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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