I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
