It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
