Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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