she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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