Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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