get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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