If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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