oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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