First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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