I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
