There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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