so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
