I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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