whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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