Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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