my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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